Bullshit.

Been a while, again.

So, I'm starting to rot again. it's Christmasy time and I feel like shit, like many other people. Been playing guitar less and less. Just want to lay in bed most the time...

I can't stand the thought of being here until I'm eighteen. It destroys me. I'm leaving... hopefully soon.

I suppose I haven't written in so long that people have forget the site, or just don't care, which is fine with me. Haven't talked to Jaz in a while... hm. Though, what's the point, right? Maybe I'm just using that in terms of everything. But, gah... Everything's just irking me to extreme despair. I don't want to do anything anymore. Not now anyway.

Been hanging on to some BM ambiance and Post-Rock stuff. Epics... But it makes me think too much. I mean, thinking is perfectly awesome, but too much thought just makes me want to suicide, you know?

I don't want obligations anymore. I just want to do what I want. I want out of Alaska, I want to express myself to the goddamn world and make people see things for once, I want to Lay down in that beautiful field and just blow time with my pals. Most of all, I want to meet someone who understands me. Who cares past empathy, who gives advice. I don't someone who'll judge me, I...

I want some impossible, probably. Impossible for up here, anyway. Even the smart kids still cling to torturous morals and sickening social standards.

Like I've said before, I'm either leaving Alaska, or I'm gong to die. I don't want to live here. Ever. Again.

The Druggie, The Hopeless, and The Concerned

So Jaz and Jamie broke up, again. But I think it's a little more serious this time around... As soon as I read her post and went back to go talk to her about it, I was speechless. Soon after, I realized one of the only things me and Jaz had in common was Jamie. Ha... Now I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I don't know, I just feel... lost. Confused. Concerned. Gah, I have a headache.

I'm not exactly sure if my brain is being stupid because something seemingly impossible has happened, or what. I want to be real cool friends with Jaz, but I can never really say anything, which makes it feel like I'm hindering it or something. bah. onto other things...

My schoolwork is lame. I have so much to do. Overwhelming is the correct word. Other than that, I'm a person that clings to inspiration and perfection. I can't stand the thought of making a story or poem that doesn't 'resonate' with me. Sometimes it's not how easy something is, but how limited it is.

For instance, I got that new 7 string almost a week ago... I haven't made anything that sounds right with it. I mean, what good is a 7 string if you don't use it? It's starting to effect Koa, too. When I got we were all, "Yea let's jam! This'll be great!" and in the second we were all tuned up and ready to go, boom. Wall. We both kind of looked at each other and exchanged expressions. If anything, I kind of want to tear the damn thing out and just have a good old 6 again. 6 is plenty. Unless I'm up for a Grind or DM band, There's no use in having a lower string.

God this is eating me up.

Perception in White

Things are looking better. It almost seems as if the more me and Erica talk, the better things get. Which is a fantastic, and makes me want to punch myself. Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I did, but I was too angry. Who knows.

Koa, John, and I went to the fair today. In suits. Felt like a badass gentleman. How many times do you see guys our age mobbing around in suits? Thought not. :noid Fun stuff. For a while we started acting like mobsters, but then it got lame. Me and Koa started doing stupid little mime acts we could do in suits. Reminds me of Freshman year, hahaha. I miss Acting class.

Logan's in a bit of trouble. They still haven't restocked on food. =\ Little worried for them. Also, Logan thinks he's unlocked some kind of ability... Intense shit. Wish he could share :(

Other than that...? Oh yea. Turning sixteen tomorrow.
YYYUUUUSSSSSS. And this year I finally haven't seen my presents beforehand. :P

Awesome. Hopefully things get a lot better. I'm almost looking forward to tackling school. [Usually when I have a good mindset like this, I do excellent in school. ^^ ]

Also,
Jaz needs to get on moar >:(

Fuck Money.

Fuck Tyranny. Fuck Isolation. Fuck having to search for change in order to eat. Fuck having privileges taken away. Fuck cat-food like refried beans. Fuck cleaning up Erica's messes. Fuck being talked down to. Fuck escaping through books and games. Fuck all of this. Fuck sleeping at 12 and getting up at 9. Fuck school plans. Fuck getting in trouble for not putting on deodorant or brushing my teeth.

I want to sit by that sax guy on the street and think. I want to plan shit with Logan. I want to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. I want my own squat. I want to know people on the streets. I want to blast my music wherever I go. I want to be able to live with mom again. I want too many things to list here...

What a resistance I am...

Ablaze To Our Joy

Things are just shit. Whatever powers that may be are determined to break everything we enjoyed into pieces and throw them into a fire...

I'll still have hope, but the pressures of this dismal fate are beginning to kill me...

When it's over will our family be able to pull it together? How many will we lose? I feel as if I'm stuck in a glass room punished to watch it all, as the toxic gas of isolation billows over like waterfalls on the floor...

I can only pass note by a hole in the wall, which frequently closes... The news is never the best, and my suffocation only worsens.

I can't continue the breath my own piss and shit. A beaten corpse, wounded by the devastation of fateful destruction, continuing to crawl toward whatever safety remains. In his heart he knows only persistence, but his dreaded organ of reason repeats the same murderous message; return, accept this, and die.

Watching himself inch more and more, he realizes he may go on, but for what? What's left of this torn body? He may as well be another corpse in that wheelbarrow. Staring up at that sky; being the last beautiful thing they may ever see...

A dark smog begins to take his sight... He's not at all sure what to think of it... Blinding him will ease the sight of this sad act of desperation, but without his sight, he will not be able enjoy that pale blue beautiful sky, seemingly endless in miles of nothing...

Realizing that he can no longer see his hands clawing at the bloodstained dirt, and unsure how to navigate, he continues to wander through a desolate dream all his own.

Worries Only Turn Into Fears.

I hate when friends/lovers break up. It sucks. Sure, you can stick to one side or another, but that just causes more conflict. But when you're neutral, it's like watching two opposing castles break each other down from the inside out. It sucks.

Jaz and Jamie seem to be constantly bickering. :(

And Jaz is right. Vegetarianism isn't enough. I'm going to try and eat more Vegan foods. No more Taco Bell.

...

I'm pathetic. But at least I try...

Why can't people see themselves in others? How come we hate each other so much? So much? Do we hate ourselves just enough to hate everyone else? How come we can't spare change for the lonely traveler? Help a stranger move a couch? Are we that selfish? How are we supposed to obtain peace? How fateful it is to watch man turn to beast by his own doings...

It's thoughts like these that make me sad for mankind. Thoughts that make me want to find my own cabin and live alone. Thoughts that make me want to travel around just so that I don't have to know the people for very long.

Maybe being a loner is more than loneliness. It's the path of least resistance. Buddha sat under a tree alone for how-ever-many days. That's how he founded Buddhism, right? It doesn't mean loners are great philosophers, but more like theorists. In order to have a decent philosophy, you must refine it with outside ideas. A theory is an idea that must be put to the test in order to prove its truth. Or maybe I'm an idiot. You tell me...

I'm just sick of it all. I'm sick with complications...

"When life is easy, all is easy."

Love

Fun... I told Jaz that Love was Funny. She disagreed.

"Love is dumb. It makes no sense. There's no room for logic in love. It blows. Fuck love."

I agree, yet disagree... When single, I feel more... Not sure. Freedom... Exploitive. I've found out more things about myself then with someone else. It's strange how many things you don't know about yourself. It can be small things. How your hair droops a certain way, How you react to certain things... Or it could be big things. How you shouldn't have assumed that, Or than you realize you hate something about yourself.

On the other hand, Love is love. Unpredictable, emotional, sacrificial... yet rewarding and sometimes beautiful. It's madness. Infatuation. sometimes addiction. It will kill you and set you free at the same time. It's a lot to gain, and a lot to lose.

There's more of a sense of Journey in being single... In what may be... I'm not sure how to explain it.