Alaska's a Bitch

Bullshit.

2008-12-23T13:49:00.002-09:00

Been a while, again.

So, I'm starting to rot again. it's Christmasy time and I feel like shit, like many other people. Been playing guitar less and less. Just want to lay in bed most the time...

I can't stand the thought of being here until I'm eighteen. It destroys me. I'm leaving... hopefully soon.

I suppose I haven't written in so long that people have forget the site, or just don't care, which is fine with me. Haven't talked to Jaz in a while... hm. Though, what's the point, right? Maybe I'm just using that in terms of everything. But, gah... Everything's just irking me to extreme despair. I don't want to do anything anymore. Not now anyway.

Been hanging on to some BM ambiance and Post-Rock stuff. Epics... But it makes me think too much. I mean, thinking is perfectly awesome, but too much thought just makes me want to suicide, you know?

I don't want obligations anymore. I just want to do what I want. I want out of Alaska, I want to express myself to the goddamn world and make people see things for once, I want to Lay down in that beautiful field and just blow time with my pals. Most of all, I want to meet someone who understands me. Who cares past empathy, who gives advice. I don't someone who'll judge me, I...

I want some impossible, probably. Impossible for up here, anyway. Even the smart kids still cling to torturous morals and sickening social standards.

Like I've said before, I'm either leaving Alaska, or I'm gong to die. I don't want to live here. Ever. Again.

The Druggie, The Hopeless, and The Concerned

2008-08-14T16:23:00.003-08:00

So Jaz and Jamie broke up, again. But I think it's a little more serious this time around... As soon as I read her post and went back to go talk to her about it, I was speechless. Soon after, I realized one of the only things me and Jaz had in common was Jamie. Ha... Now I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I don't know, I just feel... lost. Confused. Concerned. Gah, I have a headache.

I'm not exactly sure if my brain is being stupid because something seemingly impossible has happened, or what. I want to be real cool friends with Jaz, but I can never really say anything, which makes it feel like I'm hindering it or something. bah. onto other things...

My schoolwork is lame. I have so much to do. Overwhelming is the correct word. Other than that, I'm a person that clings to inspiration and perfection. I can't stand the thought of making a story or poem that doesn't 'resonate' with me. Sometimes it's not how easy something is, but how limited it is.

For instance, I got that new 7 string almost a week ago... I haven't made anything that sounds right with it. I mean, what good is a 7 string if you don't use it? It's starting to effect Koa, too. When I got we were all, "Yea let's jam! This'll be great!" and in the second we were all tuned up and ready to go, boom. Wall. We both kind of looked at each other and exchanged expressions. If anything, I kind of want to tear the damn thing out and just have a good old 6 again. 6 is plenty. Unless I'm up for a Grind or DM band, There's no use in having a lower string.

God this is eating me up.

Perception in White

2008-08-05T21:45:00.002-08:00

Things are looking better. It almost seems as if the more me and Erica talk, the better things get. Which is a fantastic, and makes me want to punch myself. Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I did, but I was too angry. Who knows.

Koa, John, and I went to the fair today. In suits. Felt like a badass gentleman. How many times do you see guys our age mobbing around in suits? Thought not. :noid Fun stuff. For a while we started acting like mobsters, but then it got lame. Me and Koa started doing stupid little mime acts we could do in suits. Reminds me of Freshman year, hahaha. I miss Acting class.

Logan's in a bit of trouble. They still haven't restocked on food. =\ Little worried for them. Also, Logan thinks he's unlocked some kind of ability... Intense shit. Wish he could share :(

Other than that...? Oh yea. Turning sixteen tomorrow.
YYYUUUUSSSSSS. And this year I finally haven't seen my presents beforehand. :P

Awesome. Hopefully things get a lot better. I'm almost looking forward to tackling school. [Usually when I have a good mindset like this, I do excellent in school. ^^ ]

Also,
Jaz needs to get on moar >:(

Fuck Money.

2008-07-23T12:58:00.002-08:00

Fuck Tyranny. Fuck Isolation. Fuck having to search for change in order to eat. Fuck having privileges taken away. Fuck cat-food like refried beans. Fuck cleaning up Erica's messes. Fuck being talked down to. Fuck escaping through books and games. Fuck all of this. Fuck sleeping at 12 and getting up at 9. Fuck school plans. Fuck getting in trouble for not putting on deodorant or brushing my teeth.

I want to sit by that sax guy on the street and think. I want to plan shit with Logan. I want to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. I want my own squat. I want to know people on the streets. I want to blast my music wherever I go. I want to be able to live with mom again. I want too many things to list here...

What a resistance I am...

Ablaze To Our Joy

2008-07-21T11:40:00.002-08:00

Things are just shit. Whatever powers that may be are determined to break everything we enjoyed into pieces and throw them into a fire...

I'll still have hope, but the pressures of this dismal fate are beginning to kill me...

When it's over will our family be able to pull it together? How many will we lose? I feel as if I'm stuck in a glass room punished to watch it all, as the toxic gas of isolation billows over like waterfalls on the floor...

I can only pass note by a hole in the wall, which frequently closes... The news is never the best, and my suffocation only worsens.

I can't continue the breath my own piss and shit. A beaten corpse, wounded by the devastation of fateful destruction, continuing to crawl toward whatever safety remains. In his heart he knows only persistence, but his dreaded organ of reason repeats the same murderous message; return, accept this, and die.

Watching himself inch more and more, he realizes he may go on, but for what? What's left of this torn body? He may as well be another corpse in that wheelbarrow. Staring up at that sky; being the last beautiful thing they may ever see...

A dark smog begins to take his sight... He's not at all sure what to think of it... Blinding him will ease the sight of this sad act of desperation, but without his sight, he will not be able enjoy that pale blue beautiful sky, seemingly endless in miles of nothing...

Realizing that he can no longer see his hands clawing at the bloodstained dirt, and unsure how to navigate, he continues to wander through a desolate dream all his own.

Worries Only Turn Into Fears.

2008-07-18T12:36:00.002-08:00

I hate when friends/lovers break up. It sucks. Sure, you can stick to one side or another, but that just causes more conflict. But when you're neutral, it's like watching two opposing castles break each other down from the inside out. It sucks.

Jaz and Jamie seem to be constantly bickering. :(

And Jaz is right. Vegetarianism isn't enough. I'm going to try and eat more Vegan foods. No more Taco Bell.

...

I'm pathetic. But at least I try...

Why can't people see themselves in others? How come we hate each other so much? So much? Do we hate ourselves just enough to hate everyone else? How come we can't spare change for the lonely traveler? Help a stranger move a couch? Are we that selfish? How are we supposed to obtain peace? How fateful it is to watch man turn to beast by his own doings...

It's thoughts like these that make me sad for mankind. Thoughts that make me want to find my own cabin and live alone. Thoughts that make me want to travel around just so that I don't have to know the people for very long.

Maybe being a loner is more than loneliness. It's the path of least resistance. Buddha sat under a tree alone for how-ever-many days. That's how he founded Buddhism, right? It doesn't mean loners are great philosophers, but more like theorists. In order to have a decent philosophy, you must refine it with outside ideas. A theory is an idea that must be put to the test in order to prove its truth. Or maybe I'm an idiot. You tell me...

I'm just sick of it all. I'm sick with complications...

"When life is easy, all is easy."

Love

2008-07-17T21:25:00.002-08:00

Fun... I told Jaz that Love was Funny. She disagreed.

"Love is dumb. It makes no sense. There's no room for logic in love. It blows. Fuck love."

I agree, yet disagree... When single, I feel more... Not sure. Freedom... Exploitive. I've found out more things about myself then with someone else. It's strange how many things you don't know about yourself. It can be small things. How your hair droops a certain way, How you react to certain things... Or it could be big things. How you shouldn't have assumed that, Or than you realize you hate something about yourself.

On the other hand, Love is love. Unpredictable, emotional, sacrificial... yet rewarding and sometimes beautiful. It's madness. Infatuation. sometimes addiction. It will kill you and set you free at the same time. It's a lot to gain, and a lot to lose.

There's more of a sense of Journey in being single... In what may be... I'm not sure how to explain it.

My Time.

2008-07-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every time I need to vent out something, or tell someone something, it ends up in shit? Right now I feel like complete garbage. Is anyone on? No. Do I feel like writing in a blog? Not really. Do I feel like sleeping it off? No. i want to go down to my mom's house and talk to her one on one. Why I can't?

I LOST MY GODDAMN KEYS. So if i DO go, I'll get in big shit for it. Hurray. I lose every fucking time.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm going anyway. Doubt she'll be home by the time I get back. Fuck her. I need some well deserved time to myself.

Wallowing in our Own Shit.

2008-07-14T23:43:00.002-08:00

Sounds like a good Album Name.

Anyway, This is what has been going as of late. Even if I'm having a good time, There's still a thick layer of Depression and Boredom coating my weathered mind. I this some kind of test? Do whatever 'greater forces', may they exist, think this is funny?

Fuck. Humor. Psh.

I just wish... wish... No, URGE for that certain freedom. With people who share what I strive for. Fuck...

Hopefully Me and Logan can start something. I'm dying for what some might call a dream, but damn it, I'll make it happen.

Scary Times Are never Dull

2008-07-10T23:14:00.003-08:00

It's been a while, eh blog?

Well, meh. I'm still Stranded on the Island that is apartment G 72.

...I haven't found much use in writing lately. But I'll try.

Logan thinks he has Diabeetus. Lawl. I doubt it, But we'll see.

Jaz seems quiet as of late. Which is extremely unusual for her. I hope she's alright. Seems like a lot is going on for them right now.

I seem to have found myself in yet another relationship with Asia. This is odd... It feels unusual... Uncomfortable... I'll talk to her about it later... I have no idea what I'm doing.

It seems like whenever I get into a relationship, it feels like I'm being dragged down. Is that normal? Is that healthy? But yet sometimes I feel as if the one thing that could make me happy is someone else in my life... hmm. Maybe I just need a relationship that has no limit on distance... Considering all of my ex's have been from school (couldn't se them all too often)

And holy shit Dub-Punk makes me happier than anything else in the world.

My god. ;-;

Future Grim

2008-06-10T12:55:00.003-08:00

I have come to a major conclusion concerning energy. Prices of everything seem to be sky rocketing. Inflation as they call it. But this time? This time is because of gas. We're beginning to run out of energy. Gas is determined to be about $8 a gallon by this winter in Alaska. People won't survive. We will be tugged down in this scramble for power, and unless someone creates an efficient source of energy, the collar will break, and so will all hell. Yes, I am an Anarchist, but the effects of a segregated and divided country in such a state would likely tear most of it's self apart.

The only way is to teach people love and peace. Teamwork and respect. The only other outcome is if the energy crisis brings people closer, which still conflict will be made. Man is a very hubris creation.

I'm not scared, but rather concerned. I know I can bear with myself through such a time, but many, such as my family, may not be able to. Many people's lives are dependent on energy. Many things will be accomplished, as slaughter houses and international food chains will become stagnant, but so will many other things. Produce, Water, anything that's shipped will be either costly or non-existent. Ultimately, only the rich will live 'normally', if that. They will sooner become the target of the poor, and most will resort to violence and murder.

The lower 48's and Hawaii have it especially easy. [In exception to large-scale cities.] Alaska is nearly unsurvivable during the winter without some kind of heated shelter. The houses and apartments in Alaska do get cold during winter, even with heat.

So... I guess just hang on to your asses for a few years. The ride will be bumpy.

Acoustic

2008-06-06T16:15:00.002-08:00

I love my Acoustic guitar, even if it's a piece of shit. I need a new one. I love the difference in both electric and acoustic...

Every time I pick up an acoustic, I want to sing. Always. Without fail. I never have time or thought for proper lyrics, so I usually hum... but still. I just love the way it sounds. It's loud, robust, yet melodic vibes make me sway, and the simple yet beautiful chords strike splendor in being. When I get behind an acoustic, it's a very emotional experience.

On the other hand, an Electric is the yin to the acoustics's yang. The electric screams and demands attention of it's audience, which it gains quite quickly. It can become as soft as skin or as blunt as a brick depending on what it's comrade plays, but in the end it always keeps it's grit and vigor.

and then there's Bass... I'm not as in tune with Bass, but it's still a unique instrument. When I play bass I tend to pour soul into it... Bass pretends it's the harsh backbone to a gig; lashing out in deep commands that mostly harmonize with it's pal, the electric, with a spiritual groove every so often. But The Bass, once you get to meet it, is rather relaxed... humble, yet energetic. its depth in tone is meant to sooth and calm those scraggly screeches the electric releases once they reach the ear, yet it's always up for a jig of it's own.

...hahaha. I'm a dork. But that's what I sense. It's almost as if every guitar has it's own personality. It's own feel, I guess. anyway, I have to go.

Have I died?

2008-06-04T23:36:00.002-08:00

Maybe... other than that, I'm pretty 'meh'...

I want New York. I want to be there. It sounds like a big carnival... It sounds perfect. I just... I want to get out of this bullshit of a life. I'm tired of being told when to go to bed, what to do, when to get up, having my 'privileges' taken away. I feel as if I've become a loner more now than I've ever been before. I don't have urges to see the guys. I have no urges to call Jamie or Jaz. I'm just... Socially Apathetic. I mean, the guys themselves have turned into themselves... Sexist women-whooers and racial fuck-bags. [Except Logan, whom I haven't heard from in a long while.]

But Jamie, out of all people, Why would I not urge to speak with him...? ...Maybe it's because I have it in my head that he's too busy to talk. Or at least that's how it seems. He's so excited about this new world he's discovered... I understand he wishes to share it, but to be honest... I don't know if I'll be able to... not anytime soon...

The kind of grip they have on me is one resembling a leash. Not too far, Jesse. But don't slobber on me, either. A perfect distance at which I can discipline you, Jesse... I understand that Erica wants to be 'my best friend' as well as my authoritative figure, but it just doesn't work that way. You can't be both.

....But yea. The way things are going, I feel as if I might be staying here longer than I want to...and I have to say I'm a bit scared. I don't want this. I never asked for it. I want things the way they used to be. No cares. No responsibility. Just four drinking, thinking, talking, idiotic fuck-wits without a care in the world. As stupid as it may sound, it was loads of fun... Now I feel as if I'm being held from freedom, held from everything that was glorious to me....

I've got to get to bed. I've depressed myself once again.

Small Update

2008-05-18T21:28:00.002-08:00

Doing ok. Got a bike, might be starting my job soon. Fun.

Turns out I have to take 2 more GIS classes over the summer. =.=

Might not have computer privileges, depending on if my sister can remember how infuriated she was with me. Likely not. [yus]

The Flash Attacks sent me some shit in the mail that I never ordered. The fuck? I'll talk to my mom about it. I sent the band a message as well.

Other than that, meh. My feet stink. and they hurt. and wow I'm still a little stuffed. Grilled veggie-burgers ftw.

Gonna turn my mind numb and eat probably. Night.

Losing my mind...

2008-05-15T13:55:00.003-08:00

I feel like like shit. Unbelievable shit. I'm going crazy here...

I've been getting angry and upset... just... fuck... I think my friends and New York are the only things keeping me going. But for how long? Two years at least...

I find that when I do get angry, which isn't often, I want to destroy something, like many people do. But it's like... I can't destroy anything. I can't break anything. I can't punch anything. I'll get scolded, punished, and ultimately angrier... So in times like these I start destroying myself. Piece by piece. I feel like complete shit. Got pissed and out of impulse grabbed this stupid deer hunter toy and smacked myself in the head a couple times.

I think I'm breaking down... I'm eating Taco Bell Bean Burritos and Dr. Pepper, constantly. Either that, or I'm eating 3 servings of spaghetti. Partially because my sister doesn't know how to buy anything without snout. She wants me to think of things I can buy and eat that'll last us a while. How hard is it? really? Spaghetti, Fruit, Veggies, beans, nuts? Come on! For fuck's sake.

Other than that, I'm just a little low. John's being a fucking prick. Apparently I'm not an Anarchist because I won't go to the garden. Fuck them. I already bitched about this.

Fuucckk.... I just want to put my head through a wall. I want to destroy this computer, these Xboxes, her stupid 50 inch TV, I just want to destroy it all... Maybe she could actually DO something. I'd walk, but I don't like to walk without someone else or at least a destination. Other than that, I'd be punished. I want to bike. I want to socialize with someone other than a whiny tyrant. "I'm older, which means I can boss you around. I know what's best." Fuck you Erica. Sometimes I think Age shouldn't be discriminated against either.

And all this shit about Mom can't handle me. Fuck you. I want to talk to her about this, because this shit's getting on my nerves. The combination of Erica's laziness, Authoritarianism, strictness, and snobby-ness are all severely getting on my nerves. Not to mention I'm going fucking crazy. The other day I nearly wanted to kill her. Lucky for the pigs, I'm not stupid. I'd be caught, easy. No one else is here besides me. Fucking ridiculous.

I just want to skip ahead, you know? Past the bullshit that won't help me anyway. She thinks I'm going to do something 'productive' with my life. She wants me to pass high-school. fucking stupid.

"Getting a GED isn't for lazy people, it's for people who have babies, or loose an arm." Lawl. That may be true, but why do they let just anyone take the GED test? How come many people that have taken it lead perfectly normal and content lives? Hell, I don't even plan on a 'normal' life, anyway, so why bother? But what the fuck ever, when she finally forces me into complete loneliness and insanity, she might just think twice and realize how fucked up she was. Maybe even think some sense. But I doubt it; she'll just blame it on me. Never her fualt. Even when she tells someone else the same thing. 'Never your fault, is it?'

Fucking ridiculous. I wish I could give her a mirror, and let her see herself.
e[fp
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9iyvklutheyl'

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

I just want to lay down and rot.

This can't be my life... right?

2008-05-13T01:05:00.002-08:00

Wow. This is horrendously fucked up. Life right now is... disgusting. Completely wasted. Fucking gutter. I'm wasting away in this cage... All I have is boycott tactics. Makes me feel semi-better, but I'd rather be free and have a choice; go out and have a walk, I don't know.

It seems that even IF I got out, there would be no one around. Who am I going to make stupid jokes with? Who is it that I can feel entertained, even if we're not doing anything? No one, anymore. The guys are more or less gone. This whole thing is fucked.

School's almost out. That means I'm going to be a work slave soon. Erica's bent on getting me a job.

I mean, it won't be too bad, I get to be outside. [I'm getting a job at JL, grounds crew.] It's not as bad as sitting inside flipping burgers all day. My only concern being the uneventful days I call life. I'll feel as if It's a fucking nightmare.

Like I've said, I do nothing. I eat, clean, cook, shop, play games, and go to bed. I can't even play my guitar anymore... I mean, I URGE to play, I just can't come up with anything. When I do, it either sucks or I never remember it. Hell, it's hard enough to write these blogs.

I can't talk to my councilor about anything, because THAT'S how uneventful life is now. FUCK.

This is annoying. Horrible. Have I already written about this? Blah. oh well.

When are those two fuckers gonna call? Maybe I should call them. Hopefully they haven't run away again.

Whatever, I'm done. Thank god I'm over pre-pubescent depresshit, or I'd probably be ranting on about how I should suicide. No worries, I'm not that fucking stupid. I have no urge to die, only to stop this boring bullshit. I'm not my sister, and I will never live like her.

P.S.:

2008-05-09T14:07:00.001-08:00

Schools almost out.

Jesse The Stoic

2008-05-09T13:45:00.002-08:00

So, looked into Stoicism again. I remember looking it up once, but I never took the time to remember what it meant. According to Wiki, [Correct me if I'm wrong,] but Stoicism is more or less the thought that everything happens for a reason, and despair and self-imprisonment are easily avoidable and are unnecessary. According to Zeno of Citium:

In the life of the individual man, virtue is the sole good; such things as health, happiness, possessions, are of no account. Since virtue resides in the will, everything really good or bad in a man's life depends only upon himself. He may become poor, but what of it? He can still be virtuous. A tyrant may put him in prison, but he can still persevere in living in harmony with Nature. He may be sentenced to death, but he can die nobly, like Socrates. Therefore every man has perfect freedom, provided he emancipates himself from mundane desires.

It's almost like optimism with Buddhism under-tones. I figure this is how I feel right now. I mean, it's shit here, no doubt, but It's not all that bad. Hell, I haven't even done a whole lot of homework since I've been here. The most I do is clean and cook.

Also, I don't have much to look forward to in getting out, anyway. John's upset and butt-hurt, Logan and Koa may as well be in Anchorage already, and Jamie and Jaz are in NY. I may not be able to hang out anymore, but I still have myself. Besides, It's not as if anyone has disbanded from anyone else. [Except John.] Hell, because of what happened in NY, Jamie and Jaz are living together. I can talk to them more this way.

--------------------------------------------------

So, I've been seeing this councilor. And he's getting annoying. *sigh* I kinda lied to the guys about how I got there... I don't know, I guess I just didn't want them to worry about it, or bother me about it. I wanted a councilor myself, i was feeling kinda bad. But now,

Fuck. My life's just uneventful. So instead of talking about my problems or things that might help, we're talking about nothing. And this fat bastard is gaining money from the state for it.

We talked about Politics. Then we talked about alternate energy. This week It'll probably be philosophy. What next? I might just say fuck it. This is stupid. I'll contact him when I've got something worth sharing. Unless he's trying to coax something out of me, [which he's not,] then I'm done. This is stupid. It takes up time. Hell, half of my problems I figure out on my own.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been playing GTA4. It's pretty amazing. uhh... That's pretty much all I've been doing. I don't have the motivation to workout anymore, there's nothing to do outside, I have no immediate friends, I have nothing to do.

...I think I'm going to get malnutrition here soon. All we have money for is those $1.27 Tostinoes pizzas that feed one person at a time. Erica bought some [vegetarian] protein shakes... They taste like shit. =\

annddd... I'm gonna stop for now.

Peace

Triple Cheese, I Will Miss The...

2008-04-29T15:42:00.003-08:00

Fucking Pizza. I will miss it. =\

So, Jamie's pals sound cool. Jaz says they aren't douches, with the exception of one, who sounds like a major druggie. I shall see. :ninja

I wish he'd send some fucking pictures >: If I can't be down there, I'd at least like to know what's going on, or at least FEEL like I'm there...

huh... Otherwise, Same shit. Music, Guitar, Homework, Internet Socialization. Fun...

Surprisingly, I feel this is a waste of a post. Meh.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Crust-eze

2008-04-28T13:43:00.005-08:00

Jamie found himself a bunch of squatting friends. What a bitch. ;-;

Apparently, theres A Crusty, His girl, His other girl, her friend, a dub guy, and a street punk. [Or something like that.]

I tried to call him, but he didn't answer. I left a message... He;s probably out with them right now. Apparently he's going ape-shit over these guys. He keeps talking to Jaz about them.

No surprise I guess, It's only natural that he'd go ape-shit over meeting a punk/crusty/squatter outside of us. Though I do find it funny. He's usually more composed than us. The only thing I'd go ape-shit over down there is picking up techniques and styles of guitar off of some other comrades. Maybe forming a band. That'd be most epic.

Speaking of which, I think I'm back into my guitar groove. Starting to make more songs, which means I'm feeling a bit better. Coo-coo. Otherwise, things are semi-ok. I'm still starving at the end of the day, still bored off my ass, still can't contact Jamie. But I'm good.

Another reason I haven't been posting albums is because I only have so much music over here. The rest is at my mom's place... But I think It's time to share some more.

--------------------------------------
The Flash Attacks
Pray For Death

Great band out of Maryland. Actually found them on Shitspace, ha. Not sure what genre you'd call them... traditional? Meh. Great band.

http://www.mediafire.com/?nyuhystjwil

Living A Life In Bronze

2008-04-27T23:42:00.002-08:00

I need to get out... not just out of Auschwitz, but out of Alaska. I hate it here. 15 years in a frozen cage doesn't get fun. It just gets worse and worse.

Not to mention that the fucking darkness doesn't help my SAD shit or whatever. Every year I go through the same shit. Ups and downs. It's disgusting. It's exhausting. Not to mention, mixed in with normal teenage ups and downs. Fuck. There has to be a way.

I still have this hole by my crotch, I think it got bigger. Now not only can you see my boxers, but you can see some of my stupid leg. I'm just too lazy to sew it up.

Jamie's actually squatting. With other crusties. I feel left out. =\ Hopefully he makes some good friends. Maybe if I can ever get the fuck out of here, I can join in. But like I said, if we ever meet up again, I want him to slap/punch me. For all the bullshit, for all the conformity, for feeling like shit for so long. Hopefully it can knock some sense into me, and give Jamie a good throw at me. [We've never really gone at each other, and I've never been punched in the face, really.]

It strikes me as odd, really. Up into just recently, I've realized I have a huge build. Like, no shit. I'm taller than shit, and I'm built big as shit. I sorta want to actually do something with it. Or at least get fit. Not only that, but in all of the fights I've ever been in, none have really... I don't know. Like, Whenever I've gotten in a fight, or have been heavily moshing, I don't really feel a lot of pain. If anything, I'll run out of breath before I become unbearably aching. [Which, despite what's thought, I have a decent amount of stamina.] Now I feel like I'm selling myself. STFU >:

-------------------------------------------------------

I got my amp back. Slightly satisfying. Not entirely... I wish we could all jam once again. Fuck. I miss Jamie. I miss Koa, despite his recent doucheness. Fuck. Through the whole year or so that I've known the guys, they've felt like family. People I can actually relate to... Perhaps that's why I was ok with being single at the time, because I was so preoccupied with them. [Not like that.]

Now It's the opposite. Socializing is nothing short of meaningless conversation. Every once in a while me and Erica go about politics and such. That's always OK I guess. It's funny... at least 80% of the time she agrees with me. So why does she thing we go about what we believe in the wrong way? And so she punishes me for it.

It's times like now I wish there was SOMEONE here. It could be a hobo for all I care. I just wish I could actually socialize with someone person to person who ISN'T a complete Hypocrite and Tyrant. When you have intelligent conversations with authoritarian figures, you always get the 'because I said so.' It doesn't have to be a said remark, it can just come from a feeling. And I hate it.

----------------------------------------------------

Living here, there is no excitement. There's no fun. Hell, I sleep most of the time. [Which might explain why I can never get to sleep when it's actually time to go to bed.] All Erica does is play games and watch TV. [usually stupid 'reality' shows.] If anyone in their right mind thinks that reality shows are how the world actually is need to be shot on sight. That just proves how lazy people are, that they need shows to simulate life. There's no such thing.

Otherwise, I think I'm done ranting for the night. I'm gonna try and entertain myself until I fall asleep.

Night.

Keep Out Of Reach Of Children

2008-04-27T02:32:00.003-08:00

I think my Soy Milk went bad. I got a new guitar, but no amp to play on. Fuck. I'm bored. My sister doesn't know how to buy anything without meat in it. I'm tempted to start eating Vegan just to piss her off more.

I'm not sure why she thought giving me computer privileges would make things better. Hell, I'm not even sure why she took them away. Maybe so I wouldn't talk bad about her. What a bitch. [I'm not that offensive toward others, Don't worry. It's just humor.]

I've pretty much given up the idea of posting albums. I doubt anyone [besides my friends, who listen to more or less the same shit,] Reads this. So, unless anyone objects, no more albums. <<

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I use lines like this^ all the time. It helps me think of a new paragraph. Gives it some structure. I'm a little bit OC about certain things. ANYWAY; If there's one thing I regret now, it would be going through with the idiotic assumption that walking out of a store full of things you never bought would last long. Fucking stupid. If that never have happened, Things would probably be exactly the way they were. [Minus Jamie.] Ick. It's been... A long while since I've seen the guys. I'm depressed. I'm even more saddened that I couldn't see Jamie off. My tyrant of a sister... I swear, I'll never look back once I'm out. Fuck this.

Now, most of you would expect me to run away, which I tried already, to no avail. Our would-be squat was frozen shut, and climbing through the window is not only conspicuous, but time-wasting at fucking tiring. It was by pure luck that I got in, that one time anyway, because the window-sills were actually dry. If I tried now, I wouldn't be able to get in. Stupid fucking weather, man. It's been wacky for a couple weeks now.

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm screwed. Unless Summer decides to poke it's head out of Winter's vagina anytime soon, I'm fucked. My shorts have a hole in the crotch. Fun.

---------------------------------------------

I've probably misspelled thousands of words at this point, so I'll switch over to Firefox now...

Oh wow.

I only misspelled 3 words. Amazing. O_O

Jaz-lessons payoff, yo.

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So, 2:35 AM now. There's still a strong dissatisfaction in my gut. This blog isn't helping a whole hell of a lot. I'm not hungry, I don't have to piss, I don't have to shit, and I'm pretty sure I'm not erect. So why this... emptiness? Maybe a little lonely. Angst would have left me by now due to expression. So what is this? I'm not exactly bored. Perhaps my gut has finally demands to GTFO of this place.

Or maybe I'm just fucking stupid. In either case, I think I'm gonna head to bed. Surprisingly all this writing has given me heavy eyelids.

Night

Apathy Sucks

2008-04-22T20:43:00.002-08:00

I don't even care anymore. Fuck. I've broken. I feel like shit. They can't tell. Ever since they talked to me... I just havn't cared. I want to blow my brains out. I want to die. Why wont they let me live how I want. Leave me alone. I'm not a productive member of society. I don't want to be one. Fuck you. Die... just die... Fuck. I don't care. I can't care. If I do, I'll suicide. I can't believe this is how pathetic I am. Fuck. Just die. I can't... Someone help... I want to get out of here. I hate it here... I'm useless...

Dubalicious

2008-04-15T21:49:00.002-08:00

So a couple of things.

I've been thinking over a plan in my head for a while. One that will rid Fairbanks of McDonald's; at least temporarily. It's semi non-Anarchistic in thought, but in our current situations it will have to do.

It deals with one-or all-of us getting a job at the same McDonald's. We work there for a while, get familiar with the place, how it works, etc. Then, we wait for the health inspection, assuming it comes in soon. At that time, we will operate; Releasing rats, planting unsanitary items, etc. The joint would have to get shutdown. [Hell, look at the Wendy's across from Joan's.]

There are a few flaws though. For one, we could be linked together. 1 person working at the same one might work, but multiple could make them suspicious. All of us working at different McDonald's... might work. But still, we can be linked together.

Another way at looking at this is not in a brand-name, but Capitalistic fast-food in general. One in McDonald's, One in Wendy's, One in Carl's JR, ect?

Meh. Comments, Suggestions, and Opinions, please.

Number two, Dub Punk. I think I'm in love with it. I loved listening to my mom's Dub and Reggae stuff back when she was into it. Mixed with punk? Scatgasm. It's fun stuff... Makes me feel good. It's like punk, but less Angsty [Not necessarily bad] and more relaxing. I suppose it's my equivalent to the other guys' Ska stuff. Meh... I'll listen to Ska and enjoy it, but I'm not a big fan of it. It's just good for the Skanking. :P

Three, I need alcohol. No joke. I haven't had a good drink in a while... and I think I'm overdue. [Is it odd that sometimes I'm more expressive on here than I am on a more personal blog?] eh. I'm just stupid when it comes to written expression. But yea... I want to get drunk... REALLY drunk, one more time with all the guys.
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P.A.I.N
Oh My God! We're Doing It!

Fucking Dub Punk, FUCK YES. Oh My God! Is in my opinion my favorite album. British Justice makes me spew joy in my pants. DOWNLOAD IT!!!

http://www.mediafire.com/?xyeye8lqu5z

The Freedom Of Free

2008-04-14T16:16:00.002-08:00

That sounds like a good song... huh...

Anyway, blog. So I've been thinking about this whole bored/non-active stuff lately. I've even seen a councilor about it. It's senseless. Why am I back at a councilor's place? Why? Goddamn it. I feel semi-fine now. Things are going to get a lot better. [Minus the whole everyone leaving part.]

Jamie quit his job early. 10 days of pure adventure. YES. A little over a week to fuck off and create a little N-R-KEY. <_<

Otherwise, Koa's back on my good side, for the most part. He wasn't an ass. In fact he even started suggesting dropping meat. [Although the thought started after hearing about Sean (cool dude, kind of an Indie guy.) being a Vegetarian as well.] Going with the flow? Who knows. Hopefully not.

So my mom's been bitching at me about schoolwork. I fucking hate schoolwork. Why do I still have schoolwork? Ah, right. Laws. Fucking laws. Fuck Laws. I want to get emancipated...

That seems to be the overall time-line planned out right now. Hang out with Jamie for as long as possible, then go to the show, drift along with what I've got until summer, Hang out with Koa in Anchorage for a little, then wait until August to get emancipated.

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Contravene
A Call To Action/Contravene

These two are the only works of Contravene I can find. I've been obsessed with this band for a while now. It's slower Crust influenced by Peace Punk. Great songs, Great lyrics. Very awesome band.

http://www.mediafire.com/?5pdulcn22yd

Tilting At Windmills

2008-04-05T00:26:00.003-08:00

Blarg. Can't do anything. Right now though, I have to say that there's a lot of detachment going on... Koa and John apparently have turned the tables. it is not them who are the money-eaters, but it is Jamie. Yes, they officially have a conspiracy that Jamie is now working just for plain cash. I tried to explain that he just wants some money to start off on, but of coarse John has to be the know it all. "But he's going to be squatting down there!"

No shit. But you can't just up and squat. Besides, how else does one get their Veggie-Burger? Jaz says security is tight in New York. Meh... Jamie says there's more people to obscure view. We shall see. But anyway, back to Detachment.

Between John's know-it-all Macho-man Dickfaceness and Koa's obsession with taking something, changing a few things about it and selling it for cash fetish/Racist and Sexist remarks, I'm a bit disappointed. When you become an Anarchist... a lot of things change. Like we've said time and time again, Anarchism is a complete lifestyle. You can't just sin and atone for it later, this is the real world. Just the way the two act sometimes and the things they do, just bother me. 'How can I consider these my Anarchist pals?" I'm sure I'm not as perfect as they come, but I try to realize it and fix it.

It's Monday... Time to see what Jamie's up to. If he'll show up >:
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AntiProduct
The EPs of AP/The Deafening Silence of Grinding Gears

I promised two Albums, and I stick to my word. Plenty of AntiProduct for listening pleasure.

I find it difficult to find information or even pictures of the band, as another, more popular band has the same name. They look like a bunch of Mindless Self Indulgence wanna-be's. But who am I to judge? I may be looked down upon no less than them.

ALSO: They're Media-Fire downloads now! Easy and fast!

http://www.mediafire.com/?3zz4j9mf31l
http://www.mediafire.com/?jyasw5mnus0

Jamming and Depression

2008-04-02T21:41:00.003-08:00

Holy shit. It's been a long-ass week. I'm tired everyday coming home. I can't get up in the morning. It's natural.

You see, this is testing week... so I have to set my alarm for about 7:00 every morning. I'm glad that I did, too, because I'm extremely unmotivated to do *sigh* schoolwork, so I end up actually getting up around 8:00, and it takes at least... 45 minutes to an hour to get all the way downtown. Nice.

After testing, I've been ritualistically going over to Koa's. It's only natural since we finally have a drum-set... and that Jamie is working like a damn drone. Eh. I doubt he enjoys it anymore than ANYONE in his social life does.

Monday, I think we jammed. A lot. I came home that night with soar-ass fingers. I'm surprised I didn't get a blister. The next day, the original plan was to Jam again, but we ended up hauling his big ass couch and some random useless shit that he also had stored in that fucking thing. That night, it was my wrists. I could barely ball a fist without my ligaments trying to explode. Then, today, we ended up walking about in a craving for Free-Running. Ended up lifting some snacks from Fred Myers. John got himself a serving of video-games. Not exactly sure what he plans to do with them. Sell them? Capitalist. :noid

Speaking of John, after our little walk when he got home, apparently he received some nasty blisters and bruises on his feet, blisters on his inner thighs, and he said his ass was bleeding temporarily. Why did he tell me these things? Fuck if I know. Because of these things, he's not coming to Koa's tomorrow. Suits me just fine, we were going to jam again, seeing as we now have a mic for Jamie. [Hopefully he can show up =\ ]

I've still been feeling 'meh'. Depression? Maybe. More of an... Angry/Lonely depression. Obviously I'll never be satisfied until things are changed in our society, but theres just this part of me that demands change. I do the same things, in the same town, in the same manner, all the time. Repetitive. [ I can't imagine how Jaz gets by x_x ] I want to live how I've always wanted to live. And after thought, I want to do it with some company of my own... I've been single for... fuck, a while now. And it was cool, I didn't care... but lately I have to admit, it's been a bit lonely and drab.

Ah, but whatever, right? I'll just have to wait. Fuck, it's already 10. The next test is the Mathematics test. Not only my weak point, but my great disinterest point. Mathematics bore the shit out me. Intensely.

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Anyway, after blowing so much smoke out of my ass, I feel unmotivated to post an album. Sorry. I promise you that I'll post two albums the next post. [I know how these expressive blog-rants go. You feel like shit writing them and finishing them, but you feel a whole lot better the day after.] So, goodnight.

Peace,
Jesse

WELCOME!

2008-03-31T16:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome... I'm Jesse, an Anarch0-punk living and operating in Fairbanks, AK. Firstly, I wouldn't recommend Alaska to anyone. Ever. Why? It's cold, It's dark, It's boring. Unless you have lots of money, don't come up here. Although, It wouldn't be fare on Alaska's terms to not describe the area in more depth.

You see, Alaska was purchased from Russia for no more than pennies per acre. This may sound ridiculous, but that's because it is. Being a crusty or Anarchist in Alaska is like trying to put the star block in the circle hole. You later find out it just doesn't work. It's not that people aren't political, it's not because of the small punk scene, People are just plane ignorant. You say Anarchy, they say chaos. You say Peace, they say impossible. You say Smash the state, they say Terrorist. People in Alaska are not only miles away, but are years behind. They have no clue what the rest of the country has decided to think simultaneously until years later.

What about the cold and dark boredom? Well, Winter. We get it more than half the year. In that time, It gets to temperatures below negative 50, it gets icy and slick, and we only get a few hours of sunlight. This makes squatting not just hard; but impossible. Your fun is limited to a movie theater that still makes you pay $8 per ticket. Unless you have the money and resources to Camp, Fish, Hunt, or otherwise live outdoors, You will be most un-entertained.

I feel, as a punk and an Anarchist, that I am obligated to share my music with you. No buts or ifs, this is a purely communistic sharing of good stuff. My first Upload of the day being Anti-Schism
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Antischism
All Their Money Stinks Of Death

A great band out of South Carolina. Intense sound with great lyrics. One of my favorites.

http://rapidshare.com/files/102432841/Antischism-all_their_money_stinks_of_death.rar.html

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Remember to care, Please share! I welcome any albums that you'd like to share. Hell, I'll probably end up posting them. Just keep that in mind.