Have I died?

Maybe... other than that, I'm pretty 'meh'...

I want New York. I want to be there. It sounds like a big carnival... It sounds perfect. I just... I want to get out of this bullshit of a life. I'm tired of being told when to go to bed, what to do, when to get up, having my 'privileges' taken away. I feel as if I've become a loner more now than I've ever been before. I don't have urges to see the guys. I have no urges to call Jamie or Jaz. I'm just... Socially Apathetic. I mean, the guys themselves have turned into themselves... Sexist women-whooers and racial fuck-bags. [Except Logan, whom I haven't heard from in a long while.]

But Jamie, out of all people, Why would I not urge to speak with him...? ...Maybe it's because I have it in my head that he's too busy to talk. Or at least that's how it seems. He's so excited about this new world he's discovered... I understand he wishes to share it, but to be honest... I don't know if I'll be able to... not anytime soon...

The kind of grip they have on me is one resembling a leash. Not too far, Jesse. But don't slobber on me, either. A perfect distance at which I can discipline you, Jesse... I understand that Erica wants to be 'my best friend' as well as my authoritative figure, but it just doesn't work that way. You can't be both.

....But yea. The way things are going, I feel as if I might be staying here longer than I want to...and I have to say I'm a bit scared. I don't want this. I never asked for it. I want things the way they used to be. No cares. No responsibility. Just four drinking, thinking, talking, idiotic fuck-wits without a care in the world. As stupid as it may sound, it was loads of fun... Now I feel as if I'm being held from freedom, held from everything that was glorious to me....

I've got to get to bed. I've depressed myself once again.