Fuck Money.

Fuck Tyranny. Fuck Isolation. Fuck having to search for change in order to eat. Fuck having privileges taken away. Fuck cat-food like refried beans. Fuck cleaning up Erica's messes. Fuck being talked down to. Fuck escaping through books and games. Fuck all of this. Fuck sleeping at 12 and getting up at 9. Fuck school plans. Fuck getting in trouble for not putting on deodorant or brushing my teeth.

I want to sit by that sax guy on the street and think. I want to plan shit with Logan. I want to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. I want my own squat. I want to know people on the streets. I want to blast my music wherever I go. I want to be able to live with mom again. I want too many things to list here...

What a resistance I am...

Ablaze To Our Joy

Things are just shit. Whatever powers that may be are determined to break everything we enjoyed into pieces and throw them into a fire...

I'll still have hope, but the pressures of this dismal fate are beginning to kill me...

When it's over will our family be able to pull it together? How many will we lose? I feel as if I'm stuck in a glass room punished to watch it all, as the toxic gas of isolation billows over like waterfalls on the floor...

I can only pass note by a hole in the wall, which frequently closes... The news is never the best, and my suffocation only worsens.

I can't continue the breath my own piss and shit. A beaten corpse, wounded by the devastation of fateful destruction, continuing to crawl toward whatever safety remains. In his heart he knows only persistence, but his dreaded organ of reason repeats the same murderous message; return, accept this, and die.

Watching himself inch more and more, he realizes he may go on, but for what? What's left of this torn body? He may as well be another corpse in that wheelbarrow. Staring up at that sky; being the last beautiful thing they may ever see...

A dark smog begins to take his sight... He's not at all sure what to think of it... Blinding him will ease the sight of this sad act of desperation, but without his sight, he will not be able enjoy that pale blue beautiful sky, seemingly endless in miles of nothing...

Realizing that he can no longer see his hands clawing at the bloodstained dirt, and unsure how to navigate, he continues to wander through a desolate dream all his own.

Worries Only Turn Into Fears.

I hate when friends/lovers break up. It sucks. Sure, you can stick to one side or another, but that just causes more conflict. But when you're neutral, it's like watching two opposing castles break each other down from the inside out. It sucks.

Jaz and Jamie seem to be constantly bickering. :(

And Jaz is right. Vegetarianism isn't enough. I'm going to try and eat more Vegan foods. No more Taco Bell.

...

I'm pathetic. But at least I try...

Why can't people see themselves in others? How come we hate each other so much? So much? Do we hate ourselves just enough to hate everyone else? How come we can't spare change for the lonely traveler? Help a stranger move a couch? Are we that selfish? How are we supposed to obtain peace? How fateful it is to watch man turn to beast by his own doings...

It's thoughts like these that make me sad for mankind. Thoughts that make me want to find my own cabin and live alone. Thoughts that make me want to travel around just so that I don't have to know the people for very long.

Maybe being a loner is more than loneliness. It's the path of least resistance. Buddha sat under a tree alone for how-ever-many days. That's how he founded Buddhism, right? It doesn't mean loners are great philosophers, but more like theorists. In order to have a decent philosophy, you must refine it with outside ideas. A theory is an idea that must be put to the test in order to prove its truth. Or maybe I'm an idiot. You tell me...

I'm just sick of it all. I'm sick with complications...

"When life is easy, all is easy."

Love

Fun... I told Jaz that Love was Funny. She disagreed.

"Love is dumb. It makes no sense. There's no room for logic in love. It blows. Fuck love."

I agree, yet disagree... When single, I feel more... Not sure. Freedom... Exploitive. I've found out more things about myself then with someone else. It's strange how many things you don't know about yourself. It can be small things. How your hair droops a certain way, How you react to certain things... Or it could be big things. How you shouldn't have assumed that, Or than you realize you hate something about yourself.

On the other hand, Love is love. Unpredictable, emotional, sacrificial... yet rewarding and sometimes beautiful. It's madness. Infatuation. sometimes addiction. It will kill you and set you free at the same time. It's a lot to gain, and a lot to lose.

There's more of a sense of Journey in being single... In what may be... I'm not sure how to explain it.

My Time.

Why is it that every time I need to vent out something, or tell someone something, it ends up in shit? Right now I feel like complete garbage. Is anyone on? No. Do I feel like writing in a blog? Not really. Do I feel like sleeping it off? No. i want to go down to my mom's house and talk to her one on one. Why I can't?

I LOST MY GODDAMN KEYS. So if i DO go, I'll get in big shit for it. Hurray. I lose every fucking time.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm going anyway. Doubt she'll be home by the time I get back. Fuck her. I need some well deserved time to myself.

Wallowing in our Own Shit.

Sounds like a good Album Name.

Anyway, This is what has been going as of late. Even if I'm having a good time, There's still a thick layer of Depression and Boredom coating my weathered mind. I this some kind of test? Do whatever 'greater forces', may they exist, think this is funny?

Fuck. Humor. Psh.

I just wish... wish... No, URGE for that certain freedom. With people who share what I strive for. Fuck...

Hopefully Me and Logan can start something. I'm dying for what some might call a dream, but damn it, I'll make it happen.

Scary Times Are never Dull

It's been a while, eh blog?

Well, meh. I'm still Stranded on the Island that is apartment G 72.

...I haven't found much use in writing lately. But I'll try.

Logan thinks he has Diabeetus. Lawl. I doubt it, But we'll see.

Jaz seems quiet as of late. Which is extremely unusual for her. I hope she's alright. Seems like a lot is going on for them right now.

I seem to have found myself in yet another relationship with Asia. This is odd... It feels unusual... Uncomfortable... I'll talk to her about it later... I have no idea what I'm doing.

It seems like whenever I get into a relationship, it feels like I'm being dragged down. Is that normal? Is that healthy? But yet sometimes I feel as if the one thing that could make me happy is someone else in my life... hmm. Maybe I just need a relationship that has no limit on distance... Considering all of my ex's have been from school (couldn't se them all too often)

And holy shit Dub-Punk makes me happier than anything else in the world.

My god. ;-;