Living A Life In Bronze

I need to get out... not just out of Auschwitz, but out of Alaska. I hate it here. 15 years in a frozen cage doesn't get fun. It just gets worse and worse.

Not to mention that the fucking darkness doesn't help my SAD shit or whatever. Every year I go through the same shit. Ups and downs. It's disgusting. It's exhausting. Not to mention, mixed in with normal teenage ups and downs. Fuck. There has to be a way.

I still have this hole by my crotch, I think it got bigger. Now not only can you see my boxers, but you can see some of my stupid leg. I'm just too lazy to sew it up.

Jamie's actually squatting. With other crusties. I feel left out. =\ Hopefully he makes some good friends. Maybe if I can ever get the fuck out of here, I can join in. But like I said, if we ever meet up again, I want him to slap/punch me. For all the bullshit, for all the conformity, for feeling like shit for so long. Hopefully it can knock some sense into me, and give Jamie a good throw at me. [We've never really gone at each other, and I've never been punched in the face, really.]

It strikes me as odd, really. Up into just recently, I've realized I have a huge build. Like, no shit. I'm taller than shit, and I'm built big as shit. I sorta want to actually do something with it. Or at least get fit. Not only that, but in all of the fights I've ever been in, none have really... I don't know. Like, Whenever I've gotten in a fight, or have been heavily moshing, I don't really feel a lot of pain. If anything, I'll run out of breath before I become unbearably aching. [Which, despite what's thought, I have a decent amount of stamina.] Now I feel like I'm selling myself. STFU >:

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I got my amp back. Slightly satisfying. Not entirely... I wish we could all jam once again. Fuck. I miss Jamie. I miss Koa, despite his recent doucheness. Fuck. Through the whole year or so that I've known the guys, they've felt like family. People I can actually relate to... Perhaps that's why I was ok with being single at the time, because I was so preoccupied with them. [Not like that.]

Now It's the opposite. Socializing is nothing short of meaningless conversation. Every once in a while me and Erica go about politics and such. That's always OK I guess. It's funny... at least 80% of the time she agrees with me. So why does she thing we go about what we believe in the wrong way? And so she punishes me for it.

It's times like now I wish there was SOMEONE here. It could be a hobo for all I care. I just wish I could actually socialize with someone person to person who ISN'T a complete Hypocrite and Tyrant. When you have intelligent conversations with authoritarian figures, you always get the 'because I said so.' It doesn't have to be a said remark, it can just come from a feeling. And I hate it.

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Living here, there is no excitement. There's no fun. Hell, I sleep most of the time. [Which might explain why I can never get to sleep when it's actually time to go to bed.] All Erica does is play games and watch TV. [usually stupid 'reality' shows.] If anyone in their right mind thinks that reality shows are how the world actually is need to be shot on sight. That just proves how lazy people are, that they need shows to simulate life. There's no such thing.

Otherwise, I think I'm done ranting for the night. I'm gonna try and entertain myself until I fall asleep.

Night.