Losing my mind...

I feel like like shit. Unbelievable shit. I'm going crazy here...

I've been getting angry and upset... just... fuck... I think my friends and New York are the only things keeping me going. But for how long? Two years at least...

I find that when I do get angry, which isn't often, I want to destroy something, like many people do. But it's like... I can't destroy anything. I can't break anything. I can't punch anything. I'll get scolded, punished, and ultimately angrier... So in times like these I start destroying myself. Piece by piece. I feel like complete shit. Got pissed and out of impulse grabbed this stupid deer hunter toy and smacked myself in the head a couple times.

I think I'm breaking down... I'm eating Taco Bell Bean Burritos and Dr. Pepper, constantly. Either that, or I'm eating 3 servings of spaghetti. Partially because my sister doesn't know how to buy anything without snout. She wants me to think of things I can buy and eat that'll last us a while. How hard is it? really? Spaghetti, Fruit, Veggies, beans, nuts? Come on! For fuck's sake.

Other than that, I'm just a little low. John's being a fucking prick. Apparently I'm not an Anarchist because I won't go to the garden. Fuck them. I already bitched about this.

Fuucckk.... I just want to put my head through a wall. I want to destroy this computer, these Xboxes, her stupid 50 inch TV, I just want to destroy it all... Maybe she could actually DO something. I'd walk, but I don't like to walk without someone else or at least a destination. Other than that, I'd be punished. I want to bike. I want to socialize with someone other than a whiny tyrant. "I'm older, which means I can boss you around. I know what's best." Fuck you Erica. Sometimes I think Age shouldn't be discriminated against either.

And all this shit about Mom can't handle me. Fuck you. I want to talk to her about this, because this shit's getting on my nerves. The combination of Erica's laziness, Authoritarianism, strictness, and snobby-ness are all severely getting on my nerves. Not to mention I'm going fucking crazy. The other day I nearly wanted to kill her. Lucky for the pigs, I'm not stupid. I'd be caught, easy. No one else is here besides me. Fucking ridiculous.

I just want to skip ahead, you know? Past the bullshit that won't help me anyway. She thinks I'm going to do something 'productive' with my life. She wants me to pass high-school. fucking stupid.

"Getting a GED isn't for lazy people, it's for people who have babies, or loose an arm." Lawl. That may be true, but why do they let just anyone take the GED test? How come many people that have taken it lead perfectly normal and content lives? Hell, I don't even plan on a 'normal' life, anyway, so why bother? But what the fuck ever, when she finally forces me into complete loneliness and insanity, she might just think twice and realize how fucked up she was. Maybe even think some sense. But I doubt it; she'll just blame it on me. Never her fualt. Even when she tells someone else the same thing. 'Never your fault, is it?'

Fucking ridiculous. I wish I could give her a mirror, and let her see herself.
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I just want to lay down and rot.