Doing ok. Got a bike, might be starting my job soon. Fun.
Turns out I have to take 2 more GIS classes over the summer. =.=
Might not have computer privileges, depending on if my sister can remember how infuriated she was with me. Likely not. [yus]
The Flash Attacks sent me some shit in the mail that I never ordered. The fuck? I'll talk to my mom about it. I sent the band a message as well.
Other than that, meh. My feet stink. and they hurt. and wow I'm still a little stuffed. Grilled veggie-burgers ftw.
Gonna turn my mind numb and eat probably. Night.
5/18/2008
5/15/2008
Losing my mind...
I feel like like shit. Unbelievable shit. I'm going crazy here...
I've been getting angry and upset... just... fuck... I think my friends and New York are the only things keeping me going. But for how long? Two years at least...
I find that when I do get angry, which isn't often, I want to destroy something, like many people do. But it's like... I can't destroy anything. I can't break anything. I can't punch anything. I'll get scolded, punished, and ultimately angrier... So in times like these I start destroying myself. Piece by piece. I feel like complete shit. Got pissed and out of impulse grabbed this stupid deer hunter toy and smacked myself in the head a couple times.
I think I'm breaking down... I'm eating Taco Bell Bean Burritos and Dr. Pepper, constantly. Either that, or I'm eating 3 servings of spaghetti. Partially because my sister doesn't know how to buy anything without snout. She wants me to think of things I can buy and eat that'll last us a while. How hard is it? really? Spaghetti, Fruit, Veggies, beans, nuts? Come on! For fuck's sake.
Other than that, I'm just a little low. John's being a fucking prick. Apparently I'm not an Anarchist because I won't go to the garden. Fuck them. I already bitched about this.
Fuucckk.... I just want to put my head through a wall. I want to destroy this computer, these Xboxes, her stupid 50 inch TV, I just want to destroy it all... Maybe she could actually DO something. I'd walk, but I don't like to walk without someone else or at least a destination. Other than that, I'd be punished. I want to bike. I want to socialize with someone other than a whiny tyrant. "I'm older, which means I can boss you around. I know what's best." Fuck you Erica. Sometimes I think Age shouldn't be discriminated against either.
And all this shit about Mom can't handle me. Fuck you. I want to talk to her about this, because this shit's getting on my nerves. The combination of Erica's laziness, Authoritarianism, strictness, and snobby-ness are all severely getting on my nerves. Not to mention I'm going fucking crazy. The other day I nearly wanted to kill her. Lucky for the pigs, I'm not stupid. I'd be caught, easy. No one else is here besides me. Fucking ridiculous.
I just want to skip ahead, you know? Past the bullshit that won't help me anyway. She thinks I'm going to do something 'productive' with my life. She wants me to pass high-school. fucking stupid.
"Getting a GED isn't for lazy people, it's for people who have babies, or loose an arm." Lawl. That may be true, but why do they let just anyone take the GED test? How come many people that have taken it lead perfectly normal and content lives? Hell, I don't even plan on a 'normal' life, anyway, so why bother? But what the fuck ever, when she finally forces me into complete loneliness and insanity, she might just think twice and realize how fucked up she was. Maybe even think some sense. But I doubt it; she'll just blame it on me. Never her fualt. Even when she tells someone else the same thing. 'Never your fault, is it?'
Fucking ridiculous. I wish I could give her a mirror, and let her see herself.
e[fp
groja
d[rf ae[
gr ap
eofgvj
erg
9iyvklutheyl'
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
I just want to lay down and rot.
I've been getting angry and upset... just... fuck... I think my friends and New York are the only things keeping me going. But for how long? Two years at least...
I find that when I do get angry, which isn't often, I want to destroy something, like many people do. But it's like... I can't destroy anything. I can't break anything. I can't punch anything. I'll get scolded, punished, and ultimately angrier... So in times like these I start destroying myself. Piece by piece. I feel like complete shit. Got pissed and out of impulse grabbed this stupid deer hunter toy and smacked myself in the head a couple times.
I think I'm breaking down... I'm eating Taco Bell Bean Burritos and Dr. Pepper, constantly. Either that, or I'm eating 3 servings of spaghetti. Partially because my sister doesn't know how to buy anything without snout. She wants me to think of things I can buy and eat that'll last us a while. How hard is it? really? Spaghetti, Fruit, Veggies, beans, nuts? Come on! For fuck's sake.
Other than that, I'm just a little low. John's being a fucking prick. Apparently I'm not an Anarchist because I won't go to the garden. Fuck them. I already bitched about this.
Fuucckk.... I just want to put my head through a wall. I want to destroy this computer, these Xboxes, her stupid 50 inch TV, I just want to destroy it all... Maybe she could actually DO something. I'd walk, but I don't like to walk without someone else or at least a destination. Other than that, I'd be punished. I want to bike. I want to socialize with someone other than a whiny tyrant. "I'm older, which means I can boss you around. I know what's best." Fuck you Erica. Sometimes I think Age shouldn't be discriminated against either.
And all this shit about Mom can't handle me. Fuck you. I want to talk to her about this, because this shit's getting on my nerves. The combination of Erica's laziness, Authoritarianism, strictness, and snobby-ness are all severely getting on my nerves. Not to mention I'm going fucking crazy. The other day I nearly wanted to kill her. Lucky for the pigs, I'm not stupid. I'd be caught, easy. No one else is here besides me. Fucking ridiculous.
I just want to skip ahead, you know? Past the bullshit that won't help me anyway. She thinks I'm going to do something 'productive' with my life. She wants me to pass high-school. fucking stupid.
"Getting a GED isn't for lazy people, it's for people who have babies, or loose an arm." Lawl. That may be true, but why do they let just anyone take the GED test? How come many people that have taken it lead perfectly normal and content lives? Hell, I don't even plan on a 'normal' life, anyway, so why bother? But what the fuck ever, when she finally forces me into complete loneliness and insanity, she might just think twice and realize how fucked up she was. Maybe even think some sense. But I doubt it; she'll just blame it on me. Never her fualt. Even when she tells someone else the same thing. 'Never your fault, is it?'
Fucking ridiculous. I wish I could give her a mirror, and let her see herself.
e[fp
groja
d[rf ae[
gr ap
eofgvj
erg
9iyvklutheyl'
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
I just want to lay down and rot.
5/13/2008
This can't be my life... right?
Wow. This is horrendously fucked up. Life right now is... disgusting. Completely wasted. Fucking gutter. I'm wasting away in this cage... All I have is boycott tactics. Makes me feel semi-better, but I'd rather be free and have a choice; go out and have a walk, I don't know.
It seems that even IF I got out, there would be no one around. Who am I going to make stupid jokes with? Who is it that I can feel entertained, even if we're not doing anything? No one, anymore. The guys are more or less gone. This whole thing is fucked.
School's almost out. That means I'm going to be a work slave soon. Erica's bent on getting me a job.
I mean, it won't be too bad, I get to be outside. [I'm getting a job at JL, grounds crew.] It's not as bad as sitting inside flipping burgers all day. My only concern being the uneventful days I call life. I'll feel as if It's a fucking nightmare.
Like I've said, I do nothing. I eat, clean, cook, shop, play games, and go to bed. I can't even play my guitar anymore... I mean, I URGE to play, I just can't come up with anything. When I do, it either sucks or I never remember it. Hell, it's hard enough to write these blogs.
I can't talk to my councilor about anything, because THAT'S how uneventful life is now. FUCK.
This is annoying. Horrible. Have I already written about this? Blah. oh well.
When are those two fuckers gonna call? Maybe I should call them. Hopefully they haven't run away again.
Whatever, I'm done. Thank god I'm over pre-pubescent depresshit, or I'd probably be ranting on about how I should suicide. No worries, I'm not that fucking stupid. I have no urge to die, only to stop this boring bullshit. I'm not my sister, and I will never live like her.
It seems that even IF I got out, there would be no one around. Who am I going to make stupid jokes with? Who is it that I can feel entertained, even if we're not doing anything? No one, anymore. The guys are more or less gone. This whole thing is fucked.
School's almost out. That means I'm going to be a work slave soon. Erica's bent on getting me a job.
I mean, it won't be too bad, I get to be outside. [I'm getting a job at JL, grounds crew.] It's not as bad as sitting inside flipping burgers all day. My only concern being the uneventful days I call life. I'll feel as if It's a fucking nightmare.
Like I've said, I do nothing. I eat, clean, cook, shop, play games, and go to bed. I can't even play my guitar anymore... I mean, I URGE to play, I just can't come up with anything. When I do, it either sucks or I never remember it. Hell, it's hard enough to write these blogs.
I can't talk to my councilor about anything, because THAT'S how uneventful life is now. FUCK.
This is annoying. Horrible. Have I already written about this? Blah. oh well.
When are those two fuckers gonna call? Maybe I should call them. Hopefully they haven't run away again.
Whatever, I'm done. Thank god I'm over pre-pubescent depresshit, or I'd probably be ranting on about how I should suicide. No worries, I'm not that fucking stupid. I have no urge to die, only to stop this boring bullshit. I'm not my sister, and I will never live like her.
5/09/2008
Jesse The Stoic
So, looked into Stoicism again. I remember looking it up once, but I never took the time to remember what it meant. According to Wiki, [Correct me if I'm wrong,] but Stoicism is more or less the thought that everything happens for a reason, and despair and self-imprisonment are easily avoidable and are unnecessary. According to Zeno of Citium:
It's almost like optimism with Buddhism under-tones. I figure this is how I feel right now. I mean, it's shit here, no doubt, but It's not all that bad. Hell, I haven't even done a whole lot of homework since I've been here. The most I do is clean and cook.
Also, I don't have much to look forward to in getting out, anyway. John's upset and butt-hurt, Logan and Koa may as well be in Anchorage already, and Jamie and Jaz are in NY. I may not be able to hang out anymore, but I still have myself. Besides, It's not as if anyone has disbanded from anyone else. [Except John.] Hell, because of what happened in NY, Jamie and Jaz are living together. I can talk to them more this way.
--------------------------------------------------
So, I've been seeing this councilor. And he's getting annoying. *sigh* I kinda lied to the guys about how I got there... I don't know, I guess I just didn't want them to worry about it, or bother me about it. I wanted a councilor myself, i was feeling kinda bad. But now,
Fuck. My life's just uneventful. So instead of talking about my problems or things that might help, we're talking about nothing. And this fat bastard is gaining money from the state for it.
We talked about Politics. Then we talked about alternate energy. This week It'll probably be philosophy. What next? I might just say fuck it. This is stupid. I'll contact him when I've got something worth sharing. Unless he's trying to coax something out of me, [which he's not,] then I'm done. This is stupid. It takes up time. Hell, half of my problems I figure out on my own.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been playing GTA4. It's pretty amazing. uhh... That's pretty much all I've been doing. I don't have the motivation to workout anymore, there's nothing to do outside, I have no immediate friends, I have nothing to do.
...I think I'm going to get malnutrition here soon. All we have money for is those $1.27 Tostinoes pizzas that feed one person at a time. Erica bought some [vegetarian] protein shakes... They taste like shit. =\
annddd... I'm gonna stop for now.
Peace
In the life of the individual man, virtue is the sole good; such things as health, happiness, possessions, are of no account. Since virtue resides in the will, everything really good or bad in a man's life depends only upon himself. He may become poor, but what of it? He can still be virtuous. A tyrant may put him in prison, but he can still persevere in living in harmony with Nature. He may be sentenced to death, but he can die nobly, like Socrates. Therefore every man has perfect freedom, provided he emancipates himself from mundane desires.
It's almost like optimism with Buddhism under-tones. I figure this is how I feel right now. I mean, it's shit here, no doubt, but It's not all that bad. Hell, I haven't even done a whole lot of homework since I've been here. The most I do is clean and cook.
Also, I don't have much to look forward to in getting out, anyway. John's upset and butt-hurt, Logan and Koa may as well be in Anchorage already, and Jamie and Jaz are in NY. I may not be able to hang out anymore, but I still have myself. Besides, It's not as if anyone has disbanded from anyone else. [Except John.] Hell, because of what happened in NY, Jamie and Jaz are living together. I can talk to them more this way.
--------------------------------------------------
So, I've been seeing this councilor. And he's getting annoying. *sigh* I kinda lied to the guys about how I got there... I don't know, I guess I just didn't want them to worry about it, or bother me about it. I wanted a councilor myself, i was feeling kinda bad. But now,
Fuck. My life's just uneventful. So instead of talking about my problems or things that might help, we're talking about nothing. And this fat bastard is gaining money from the state for it.
We talked about Politics. Then we talked about alternate energy. This week It'll probably be philosophy. What next? I might just say fuck it. This is stupid. I'll contact him when I've got something worth sharing. Unless he's trying to coax something out of me, [which he's not,] then I'm done. This is stupid. It takes up time. Hell, half of my problems I figure out on my own.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been playing GTA4. It's pretty amazing. uhh... That's pretty much all I've been doing. I don't have the motivation to workout anymore, there's nothing to do outside, I have no immediate friends, I have nothing to do.
...I think I'm going to get malnutrition here soon. All we have money for is those $1.27 Tostinoes pizzas that feed one person at a time. Erica bought some [vegetarian] protein shakes... They taste like shit. =\
annddd... I'm gonna stop for now.
Peace
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